Oh So Brittany...

I woke up feeling really frustrated and confused. I had a late night on the phone and I was probably too tired to make sense out of anything. After a night like that I usually like to sit in silence while I eat my breakfast. That would have been very relaxing, but that I was not what happened this morning. Instead, I went into the kitchen and my dad asked me to make breakfast. I was still really confused and tired. I totally didn’t know what to make. I just wanted to be alone, drink my tea, listen to NPR and quietly stare out into space. I wanted to take my time to understand the world around me. I did not do that and ended up making an omelet and some toast for three people. My dad was so cheerful that it was cute. I think my dad and I are becoming a little closer. I can share more things with him now than before. I find that we have in common and it’s really comforting. My mom is getting funnier and has less tolerant for the world around her. Her wickedness leaves me in stitches, but the way she over-reacts to things totally stresses me out. It can be a bit much sometimes. I know I am going to be just like her. I am already when it comes to certain things. I guess this is just something to watch out for. She always tells me, “One day you will be old!” Sometimes I wish I could be old with my parents. I think we would enjoy each other a lot more. If I were older, the strange situation of me forming my own personal life would not seem so strange. They would not have to worry about me because I would be a peer and I could have a better idea of my role in this house. After breakfast, I told my mom today that I don’t understand who I am in this house. I don’t know what my rules are. I don’t know what I can and cannot do. Do I have to ask if I am going to go out? Can I refrain from telling you guys every detail of my personal life without feeling like I am hiding something from you? I have these concerns because I can’t help feeling that they are suspicious of what I do. Maybe suspicious is the wrong word. Not “suspicious.” Maybe “overly-concerned” is a better fit. They know I’m a smart girl and that I don’t do anything wrong. They know I would not get myself into a stupid situation from which I could not escape. I know they know these things. I wish that qualities would be recognized and a bit more trust was exercised. It’s a very confusing time for me because I don’t know when I am considered a woman and when I am a girl. Wow… I sound like Brittany Spears (Totally not my intention). Seriously though… If it is confusing for me, it must be just as confusing for them, maybe even more confusing for them because they made me. That might be why it is so hard for them to let me go when they are around. They are just concerned and don't want me to make mistakes (sigh... the folly of youth). When I say, “I’m going out,” I can’t help but notice a worried grimace appear on their faces. I know they trust me. I know they did a good job of raising me. I know I will do the right thing. I know they know I will do the right thing. I’m sure I will understand this whole situation a lot more when I am a parent. Hopefully then I will remember what it feels like to be young in my parents’ eyes, but an semi-adult in my own. I understand their concern. They love me. I’m certain that if I did not have the occasional nag, worried grimace, or twenty questions game I would feel as if my freedom was too easily attained and that they did not care as much. I might even feel a bit lost. A happy medium would be nice. I need to step up, do more grownup things, and take my life into my own hands so I can start something. Maybe when I stop acting like a kid, then I will be treated more like an adult. First, I should see myself as an adult… haha… that is the hard part. I’m the biggest kid I know.

Random Thoughts On Family and Relationships

I received three very bitter and hateful emails from my ex whatever he is. His name is Patrick and we dated for a month and a half. I never thought of him as my boyfriend. We went out about once a week. He was nice… actually too nice, a bit boring, totally passive, and just not my same speed. I kept on thinking about how it would be if he had met certain members of my crazy (but totally lovable) family. I would imagine him meeting my larger than life Tito Jesse who trained his offspring and wife to hold up a fist and cheer, “FAMILY!” when someone farts at dinner or my four “in your face” cousins Tessa, Mena, Mercedes, and Celina who notice EVERYTHING about any male that is brought to a family function (If you date one of us, you date us all!). My fantasy Meet-and-Greet scenarios did not go over well in my head. Too many scenarios involved Patrick backing himself into a quiet corner of the house while plugging his ears and closing his eyes. I think my family would be too much for him. We are loud, passionate, neurotic, witty, insane, and love each other so much that we are completely obsessed with being a family. I thrive in the chaos of many simultaneous table slamming discussions, horribly corny jokes, overly critical titas who are not afraid to point out how much weight I have gained since you was 16, and rosy, drunken titos screaming dirty jokes. My family is a sensory overload and I love it that way.

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Patrick said a lot of hurtful things that I’m just going to ignore because it was out of anger. I know he was not thinking clearly when he wrote them. One thing he said was very interesting though. From his letter:

“…you need to sit down and think about whether or not you're ready for a relationship. You said ours became one-sided even though I was changing. You did *nothing* to change so you're right, it was one-sided. I still can't believe it took you two months to realize that it wasn't for you when you admitted in the first place that you KNEW what kind of guy you wanted!!!!”

That part of the letter got me thinking.
1)Did I really tell him that I knew what kind of guy I wanted?

If I did tell him that I knew what kind of guy I wanted then I was foolish. I know enough now to know that I rarely know exactly what I want. I’m a strange case because sometimes when I do get what I want, I want something else. It is rare that something keeps my attention for very long. However, if it does keep my attention I get way too into it.

2) Does anyone really know what kind of person they want to date and who they will be most compatible? Does anyone have a clear outline of the type of person they want to end up with?

I used to have a list of over twenty things that I wanted in a significant other. It was something that I often thought about and revised. I noticed that it changed after every relationship. “Can cook well” was replaced by “Has high emotional IQ.” “Liberal political views” took the place of “Appreciation for sushi.” The list idea was a nice organized way of ranking important qualities that are needed for a successful fantasy relationship. I say fantasy because it is rare that one person will be the embodiment of everything on that list and if he is, he would probably have a few totally negative qualities that would be an extreme turn off. The funny thing about my list was that I would hardly ever follow it. Some of the guys I dated were the complete opposite of what I knew I wanted, but I took a chance because I had fallen for them somehow. I have learned something from every single relationship I have had and I value each smile, tear, giggle, annoyed glare, and awkward moment that I have shared with those boys.

I still don’t know exactly what I want, but right now I am in a relationship with someone who is what I need right now and has amazing potential to be what I will want in the future. Matt is thoughtful, sweet, makes me laugh too much, goofy, intelligent, caring, and allows me to be myself at all times. I know he would fit in with my cousins because he reminds me of Danny Paredes. I can be as silly with him as I can be with Danny and it is so much fun! I could go on and on, but I won’t for now because we have only been dating for less then a month (But it seems like I have known him for years!). Haha… I’m beyond excited about him.

VOLVER (RETURN)

Music by Carlos Gardel
Lyrics by Alfredo Le Pera
Translation by Coby Lubliner

I can almost see the flicker
Of the lights that in the distance
Mark the way of my returning…
They’re the very ones that lit up,
Their reflections pale and misted,
Many hours of deep pain.
Though it was not what I wanted,
First love makes one always come back again.
The quiet [age-old] street where once the echo told me:
Her life is yours, her love is yours to earn,
Under the stars that mockingly look on me,
And now in their indifference see me return.

Return… with my forehead all wrinkled,
My temples turned silver by time’s falling snow…
To feel… that one’s life is a twinkle,
Twenty years hardly reckon,
And two fevered eyes beckon,
In shadows forestall you
And seek you and call you.
To live… with the soul firmly clinging
To one sweet remembrance
That makes me weep so.

I am frightened of the meeting
With the past that is returning
To confront my life all over.
I am frightened of the nighttimes
When my dreams are linked and fleeting
And old mem’ries come to stay.
And yet the trav’ler who’s fleeing
Sooner or later must stop on the way…
And though oblivion, which destroys all being,
Has killed my old hopes, ripping them apart,
Yet I keep hidden a humble hopeful glimmer
That is the only fortune there is in my heart.

(Spanish)
Yo adivino el parpadeo
de las luces que a lo lejos
van marcando mi retorno...
Son las mismas que alumbraron
con sus pálidos reflejos
hondas horas de dolor..
Y aunque no quise el regreso,
siempre se vuelve al primer amor..
La quieta [vieja] calle donde el eco dijo
tuya es su vida, tuyo es su querer,
bajo el burlón mirar de las estrellas
que con indiferencia hoy me ven volver...

Volver... con la frente marchita,
las nieves del tiempo platearon mi sien...
Sentir... que es un soplo la vida,
que veinte años no es nada,
que febril la mirada,
errante en las sombras,
te busca y te nombra.
Vivir... con el alma aferrada
a un dulce recuerdo
que lloro otra vez...

Tengo miedo del encuentro
con el pasado que vuelve
a enfrentarse con mi vida...
Tengo miedo de las noches
que pobladas de recuerdos
encadenan mi soñar...
Pero el viajero que huye
tarde o temprano detiene su andar...
Y aunque el olvido, que todo destruye,
haya matado mi vieja ilusión,
guardo escondida una esperanza humilde
que es toda la fortuna de mi corazón.

Stop This Train - John Mayer

No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it
I don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate"

"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I will never stop this train

So happy...

I don’t even know what to say about the past week. I know I won’t do it justice, but I must try. Things in “my little world” have been so amazing that I can hardly contain myself. I have met someone who wants me to be me at all times and it is liberating. The feeling of complete acceptance even during bouts of silliness, insecurity, dorkiness, frustration and extreme excitement is beyond bliss. I catch myself wondering how it is possible that he can be so sweet, but then I realize that, in this way, we are equals. I’ll happily go out of my way to please my beau (Haha that word is so archaic!). I love to give little gifts and make him feel special. I guess I had to find someone who appreciated me for me to figure out that what I bring to a relationship is special too. I finally know what it feels like to be on the same page as someone and it is lovely. We are both aboard the same train of thought and this train is bound for ridiculousness. Even though we think that same thoughts, he still surprises me by saying something hilarious which leaves me in stitches (and that is hard to do!). His company is so refreshing. I’m disgustingly delighted to dote!

Let Me Love You -- Blossom Dearie

Let me love you.
Let me show that I do.
Honey, lend me your ear
And I’ll make it clear
The way that I do.
Let me whisper it.
Let me sigh it.
Let me sing it, my dear,
Or I may cry it.
Let me love you.
Let me show that I do.
Let me do a million impossible things
So you’ll know that I do.
I’ll buy the dawn if you let me love you today.
And tomorrow I’ll buy you the first of May.

ELLA FITZGERALD lyrics - "This Could Be The Start Of Something Big"

You're walkin' along the street, or you're at a party,
Or else you're alone and then you suddenly dig,
You're looking' in someone's eyes, you suddenly realize
That this could be the start of something big.

You're lunching at Twenty-One and watchin' your diet,
Declining a charlotte russe, accepting a fig,
When out of a clear blue sky, it's suddenly gal and guy,
And this could be the start of something big.

There's no controlling the unrolling of your fate, my friend,
Who knows what's written in the magic book.
But when a lover you discover at the gate my friend,
Invite her in without a second look.

You're up in an aeroplane or dining at Sardi's,
Or lying at Malibu alone on the sand,
You suddenly hear a bell, and right away you can tell
That this could be the start of something grand.

This could be the start of something very big,
Why don't you play your part?
Please give your heart to me....and see.
This could be the start of something wonderful,
Why don't you take a chance?
Just try romance with me....and see.

Your watchin' the sun come up and countin' your money,
Or else in a dim cafe you're ordering wine,
Then suddenly there he is, and you wanna be where he is,
And this must be the start of something...
This could be the heart of something...
This could be the start of something big.

Honey, you are SO NOT what I need right now!!!

“Wow! You really hate this guy!” my mother said after I described this boy I have been dating. I told her about how his idea of affection is reaching for my hand, sighing and saying “Oh, Cristina…” with a slight smile on his face. I also told her how much he complains about work and how if I had to hear another work story in which he was the victim, I would probably have to cut off my ears and send it to him in the mail with a note that says, “Who’s the victim now?” I have had enough of him and his corny jokes! I have had enough of his conversation which, by the way, is as stimulating as watching bacon grease congeal in a frying pan. I have had enough of his reserved nature! I need someone whose boisterous laughter fills a room. I need someone who can see the positive in even the saddest of situations. I need someone who can relax and let go!

Now that I work with children I find that my attention span is dwindling while in adult conversation. My mind wanders. I become short with people. I finish the person’s sentence if they are taking too long to say something predictable. I die in the presence anything or anyone too predictable. This is why I love erratic conversation. I relish the brief feeling of confusion and the fits of laughter that follow once I have found my way. I enjoy conversations that make me feel like I’m in New York fighting my way through sidewalk traffic, dodging left and right, and walking frightfully fast to keep up with the rhythm of the city. It is so hectic that something random is bound to happen. When it does, that shrewd city countenance is melted away and a slight chuckle is released. I love the randomness of life and I need that in a relationship as well. I’m too young for things to be routine, especially my love life!

I know I need to dump him, and I’m going to, but before I do I would like to say some nice things about him first. He is thoughtful, very patient, and caring in his own quiet way. His innocence can be endearing at times. He is gentle and well mannered.

Yes. He is all of those things and it is a shame I don’t like him because he really is one of the good ones. I just feel that, even though he is older then I am, I am much older in too many ways. I have experienced more of the essential things in life; things that he does not even know exist. I don’t want to sound arrogant or condescending, but it’s true. I’m light years ahead of this guy and I know it. I control the relationship completely and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t like to have THAT much power because sometimes I like to be the one who is taken over. Like everything in my life, there is a jazz song that totally describes my pseudo relationship with this boy… “It Was Just One of Those Things.”

I don’t know if I should date again after this one. I need to get a few things straightened out with myself. Maybe some time for self-reflection and evaluation would be good. I need to examine what I really want and what I need in order to be happy. Something tells me that a boyfriend is not on that list for now. When I do date again, it will be someone special who is worth my time. It will not be someone who bores me to death and who causes me to role my eyes every single time I speak to him on the phone. Sigh… I’m tired, but still laughing.