What a Pity!

Carrie, my friend from first year high school, has found the love of her life. I’m extremely happy for her, not only because she is my friend, because I was part of the reason that they ended up together in the first place. They are truly meant for each other and just got married or are going to get married very soon.

Over a cup of English Breakfast tea Carrie told me that it saddens her when she sees people who have not found their true love because it is the best feeling in the world. After she said that, the words seemed to hang around longer than words usually do before they evaporate. These words have stayed with me so long that they watched over me as I slept on the plane to the Philippines, went through immigration without a passport upon landing at the airport, sits with me at meals, keeps me company in my room, lays next to me as I slept and still lingers today as I write this.

I think these words have stayed with me longer because I am in the Philippines. Being in the Philippines and not missing a boyfriend back home is a new experience for me. Usually I have someone that I miss terribly and email him everyday. I have only been here for two weeks, but already I have been asked many times if I have a boyfriend. The script usually goes something like this…

“Ah, Cristina. Do you have a boyfriend na?”
“No.”
“Ah. Why not?” (This is asked as if I just said I do not believe civil rights and treating people equally.)

I remember being asked by a Filipina in the open-air market in Rome if I had a boyfriend.
“Do you have a boyfriend in the States?”
“No.”
“Ah, you have an Italian boyfriend,” she said this confidently as if I had no other choice.
“No, actually. I don’t have a boyfriend right now.”
“Ahhh! You should have a boyfriend!”

After she said this, the Filipina treated me as if I had leprosy or some sort of horrible disease. She immediately offered me a cure. His name was Marco and he worked at the open-air market. With a sense of urgency, she hailed him to come over and meet me.
“This is Cristina,” she said in Italian. “She is American and has no boyfriend.”

I smiled embarrassed that a woman, who I basically did not even know at all, felt that she had to take time out of her day to cure me of my disease. Marco smiled back politely, but gave the Filipina a slightly annoyed “well…what do you want me to do about it?” look. Thinking back on it, that situation was really awkward and Marco was nothing special.

I think another reason why Carrie’s words have stayed with me for so long is because very indirectly she is also saying that it makes her sad to hear that I have not found “the one” and that I do not have a boyfriend. The idea that people might actually pity my boyfriend-less existence makes me a bit blue because I never like being the cause of other people’s sadness. It is not a good feeling to be pitied.

My mother tells me that, “Boys are not worth it because all they want you for is your VAGINA!” (When she says this, she dramatically emphasizes the word “vagina” and makes it sound as guttural and vulgar as possible. hehe) She even told me that it is fine with her if I do not get married. “Once you are married, you are legally BOUND to someone.” (She says “bound” this with the same dramatic inflection as she says “vagina.”) She warns me of the downside of marriage and explains how much work it can be.

I actually look forward to marriage though, because I think I would be a good wife. I have never been afraid of hard work in relationships. Most of the time I am reasonable and can sit down and seriously work things out with another person. There has hardly ever been a time when I throw my arms up in the air and say “I don’t want to deal with this anymore!” because I always need resolution. Even with my schoolwork I would never partially leave it partially finished before going to sleep. I always had to stay up late into night until the assignment was completed to the best of my ability.

I have never been the type to slack off and just do enough to “get by.” I always have tried to excel in everything. I think that is one reason why it bothers me to have peoples’ pity because I feel as if I have failed them. I know by not having a boyfriend right now I have not FAILED because I am young and have my whole life ahead of me. I also know that by dating just any guy on the street I would not be considered a great achievement either. I realize that Carrie and all of the Filipinas who have encouraged me to have a boyfriend only say these things because they only hope for my current and future happiness. I know they mean well, but it is strange to feel like I am not living up to someone else’s hopes and expectations.

Okay… wow… I just read that back and it sounds shallow. Why should I care what other people think of me? If I am happy with my life right now, why should this be an issue? This is a very western-minded and individualistic idea that teaches people to rise above conforming to social norms. I know that this attitude would be ideal, but I do not feel this way. The fact is most of the time I do not care what other people think of me, but on this subject I do. Maybe it is because underneath my jaded-towards-relationships exterior I really feel like I want to find someone special to share my life with. It must be the hopeless romantic in me who cries at watching the Notebook and is touched by old song lyrics that makes me feel this way. Secretly I want others to look at my future-husband and me and jealously yearn for our grande amore. (Hehe. Of course my husband is going to be Italian! Certo!)

For now, my choice of not having a boyfriend is validated by the fact that most of the guys my age act as if they are 12 years old. I don’t think that the people who pity my situation take that into consideration. I know there are a few who are probably mature and perfect, but they get lost amongst the sea of early 20-something jerks. The probability of finding a male who is absolutely amazing and available seems too slim at this stage of physical, emotion, and mental development so I figure that I am not missing much. When people ask me why I do not have a boyfriend I confidently reply, “Because the boys my age are stupid.” Then they usually laugh and agree.

Even though boys my age suffer from being socially challenged and, according to my mother, “only want VAGINA,” I still dream about my future love life through Ella Fitzgerald songs.

Some day he'll come along,
The man I love;
And he'll be big and strong,
The man I love;
And when he comes my way,
I'll do my best to make him stay.

He'll look at me and smile--
I'll understand;
And in a little while
He'll take my hand;
And though it seems absurd,
I know we both won't say a word.

Maybe I shall meet him Sunday,
Maybe Monday -- maybe not;
Still I'm sure to meet him one day--
Maybe Tuesday
Will be my good news day.

He'll build a little home
Just meant for two;
From which I'll never roam--
Who would? Would you?
And so all else above,
I'm waiting for
The man I love!

The Man I Love by George Gershwin

I think the older generation really knew what love is because their lyrics were so romantic. A part of me wonders if this type of love is dated and impossible to find. Then I think about Carrie and Brian and how sweet they are together. This makes me certian that someday he’ll come along, the man I love.

Congratulations Carrie and Brian!!!! I wish life long happiness to you both!!!